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| Ms. Malini Nair |
Ms. Malini Nair is a compulsive traveller, a hobby
photographer, a self trained painter and now a published Author. Born to a
Punjabi mother and a Malyali father, she was brought up in a liberal fashion
and grew up to be a self-dependent and ambitious woman. Ms. Malini, the
author of recently published book Flotsam of the Mind and an active feminist
and philanthropist. It is really a proud moment for city women magazine to have
opportunity to interact with Ms. Malini Nair and to know her opinion about Marital Abuse issue.
What are the
hidden reasons behind Marital Abuse ?
We are a patriarchal society where
women are perceived as caregivers and child bearers and men are perceived to be
providers and heads of their respective families. It is all about power and
control. Men forever have assumed the role of decision makers and women are
expected to obey, submit and compromise. Also most financial and other
important decisions are taken by men of the family. When roles are understood
thus it is a natural tendency for men to feel proprietary powers over the women
especially when she is a wife. Boys have seen their father's treat their mother
a certain way and they feel justified in replicating the same mistreatment unto
their own wives. That's not all girls are taught to be submissive, shy and
obedient by their mothers. These are considered great virtues to possess for a
wife and daughter-in-law. So automatically when the girl gets married she feels her duty to fulfill all that is expected of her by her husband. All these
factors create a base for violence and abuse in the relationship. Not only these factors but job
stress, problems of impotency in men and you have a full blown abusive marital
relationship.
Why marital rape isn’t a
criminal offence in India? what do you think about this?
It is unfortunate but because
marriage is considered a sacred relationship in India, it has
socio-religious implications in India. And as we have identified patriarchy
justifies the power of a man over the woman. The term Suhaagraat is used openly
by one and all during weddings and puts more pressure on the woman to consent
to sex with a man she has met only a few times (arranged marriages don't leave
room for too many interactions between the man and woman before they tie the
knot). Half the women get raped on the first night of their weddings itself and
since their mothers have told them to do as their husband desires many of them
don't even know how else to deal with it. I personally am of the opinion that
marital rape cannot and should not be treated as a civil case but that as a
criminal offence. I have known several women who have suffered through long
torturous marriages due to societal pressures. No one should have to compromise
to such a degree.
Today on every platform
people are talking about women's empowerment like Tv, movies, summits everywhere,
but in our own house situations are very different, don't you think so ?
Absolutely. I mean how many so
called progressive families (yes even those) have a woman at the head of the
table during meals? Whilst the feminist movement is picking pace we are still a
long way from achieving goals of equality among gay men and women. And until
and unless that balance is attained we won't be able to eradicate such social
ills as rape, sexual harassment, sexual abuse both in and out of marriage and
right to dignified living for women.
What are the psychological
impacts on family and children due to this marital abuse?
I have seen two
different kinds of impacts. One where the son after seeing his father
physically abuse his mother becomes a carbon copy of his father and treats his
own wife in a similar manner. Similarly daughters of such fathers tend to
become submissive and low on self esteem, which enables their spouse in future
to treat them. And second where sons empathise with the mother and become
violent towards men in general and grow up to be relationship averse in order
to avoid any untoward situations they may not be equipped to handle. And
daughters become rebels and man haters in general thereby jeopardizing any
possibility of establishing a mutually respectful relationship with the
opposite sex. In either of the situations we can see that such behaviour impacts
more than the family, it impacts future generations and the society in general.
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